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The Best Fake Climbing News 2016 Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news The Best Fake Climbing News 2016
2016 will go down as the year that bullshit reigned, spin was spun, and America went Full Retard (well, at least 46 percent retard).
Am I mad?
Yes … yes, I am. I feel an angry four-year bender coming on, and to hell with the hangover! You’re either with me or against me because I know the Truth, and you are a Fool.
2016 was also the year that Nalle Hukkataival established the world’s first V17. Ashima Shiraishi became the first female to climb a V15 (two of them, actually). And Adam Ondra achieved one-third of his goals in Yosemite.
Or was it?
Did any of these so-called impressive climbing events actually happen? Can these world records even be verified in the archive of microfiche?
Or … are all climbing stories just elusive, inconsequential, real-life Snapchats—born within our collective mind’s eye only to vanish in a meaningless flash?
Reality has never seen such rapid decay, if constant manipulation within the hands of Our New Masters. The Truth is a sun-baked ice climb, and we are The Doomed—30 feet run out, fruitlessly stabbing ice screws into the disintegrating mush.
Here, in the only year-end compilation of bullshit that you should even bother reading, are the best fake climbing news stories of 2016—whether they happened or not is Irrelevant, as far as the likes of you are concerned. The only thing I give a damn about is that you share this shit on Facebook. Only through a constant stream of insular online affirmation may any of us find salvation. God speed, and as the bookworms at Alpinist say, only the damned survive!

What Really Happened on the Dawn Wall

Adam Ondra had the audacity to show up to Yosemite with no trad-climbing experience whatsoever. And yet, he still did it.
He took a shit on the Dawn Wall.
“Oh, yeah, he just shit all over that thing,” says Tommy Caldwell, who completed the historic first free ascent of the Dawn Wall, El Cap’s hardest free climb, with Kevin Jorgeson in 2015. “It’ll be a long time before anyone else climbs that route again, mostly because it’s now just completely covered in Adam Ondra’s doo-doo.”
Indeed, a plumb line of poo, as proud and brown as any Comicci-esque directissima, runs like a 3,000-foot skid mark down The Wall of Early Morning Light. Rangers, however, are hopeful that a big winter will flush the wall clean by next spring.
Still, because it happened, because Adam Ondra completely turded on the Dawn Wall, climbers around the world are left scratching their heads, if not also holding their noses. Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news DawnWall_Route_home
Shouldn’t Ondra have first learned how to jug ropes in the gym, where anyone with 5.11 crimp strength and 5.8 footwork knows is the proper and approved place to practice jugging ropes?
Shouldn’t he have mock led more routes on the Swan Slab before hopping onto the Big Stone?
Shouldn’t he have not taken a shit on the Dawn Wall?
“I don’t know … I guess I’d like to try to shit on every route in the world,” says Ondra, humbly, who suggested that the Dawn Wall’s name be changed to the “Dung Wall,” and that the grade be readjusted to 5.Turdteen.
His plans for 2017?
“Piss on the Salathé.”

New Study: Micro-aggressions Linked to Micro-penises

The climbing gym craze has swept the nation, with new facilities sprouting up in every urban corner of the U.S.
Yet, according to at least one thorough investigative report obtained via Twitter poll, climbing gyms appear to be nothing more than sex-crazed frat houses masquerading as exercise facilities. Here, young women in standard workout attires such as low-cut sports bras and “booty shorts” showing more thigh than a grain-fed Thanksgiving turkey are lured into climbing gyms under the premise that they are great places to get in a full-body workout alongside likeminded folks.
Turns out, the reality is anything but.
“I was just minding my own beeswax, sessioning on the blue V4, and this dude-bro comes out of nowhere and tells me I should be matching on the sloper instead of crossing through,” says a visibly frustrated, if somewhat chilly-looking, Annie, a 19-year-old sophomore who has been climbing for one year. “Every women’s study course I’ve taken at college tells us that this kind of behavior is unacceptable.”
Indeed, unsolicited beta is just one of the many “micro-aggressions” detracting from the social dynamic in today’s climbing gyms. Micro-Aggressions are any types of recurrent behavior that one group of people deem to be a nuisance, albeit a mild one. In climbing gyms, men, and/or persons who self-identify as male gendered, are typically accused of committing micro-aggressions upon women—though women quickly qualify these allegations by admitting that most men that they know are supportive and friendly, and not all guys are like this. Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news Belay Gif 5
Typical micro-aggressions include, but are not limited to: unsolicited beta, staring, drooling, mouth-breathing, saying “Hey” without a formal (written) introduction, climbing in close proximity to strangers of the opposite sex, asking to “borrow” some chalk, spotting, grunting for no reason, and making eye contact.
A surprising new study, though, finds a strong correlation between the likelihood of micro-aggressions and the incidence of micro-penis, a condition whereby the erect penile length is at least 2.5 standard deviations smaller than the mean human penis size, perhaps leading those afflicted to overcompensate through over-the-top acts of douchebaggery.
“Being a douchebag in the gym is all just a distraction so that nobody notices what’s missing when I’m wearing my harness,” admits “John,” whose micro-penis measures in at 1 3/4 inches. “I don’t know why I do what I do … I just can’t help myself from being a little bit of a dick when I go climbing.”
Elsewhere, climbers are beginning to report incidents of macro-aggressions, which include watching someone free-solo your project. Experts agree these reports may point to an acute rise in “Honnolditis,” otherwise known as “macro-balls.”

Olympic Format to Include Offwidth

In a bid to expand their inclusiveness and attract new, young viewers, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has announced a new event for the upcoming 2020 Tokyo Games: Offwidth.
According to insiders, the addition of the Offwidth event was made to quell widespread criticism of the IOC and the IFSC for the “combined” format that included, to most climbers’ vocal objections, speed climbing.
“You don’t like speed climbing? Fucking fine!” Thomas Bach, IOC president, reportedly shouted behind closed doors. “Make ‘em climb an offwidth, see if I give a flying fuck! No one is gonna watch this shit anyway.”
The Offwidth event was immediately heralded by some climbers as a great way to showcase a “danger” element of rock climbing.
“Offwidthing is sure to enthrall, titillate and frighten a global audience that tunes in for the three-hour slug fest as climbers race each other to the top of their own 50-foot-tall cracks,” read the IOC press release.
This is because all offwidths are universally given “R” ratings, despite the fact most climbers lead offwidths while walking cams over their heads, effectively top-roping the route, not to mention happily clipping myriad bolts that, for some reason, have been added to the crack.
“R-rated climbing is now in the Olympics,” says Sean McColl, who has already startedtraining for full-body campus moves withinoffwidths by doing the “The Worm” dance and the butterfly stroke. “Guess I better holler atthe Wide Boyz, eh?” Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news thatsbomber:Aunt Fanny’s Amazing Ass Crack, v5
Aunt Fanny’s Amazing Ass Crack, v5 Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news thatclimbergirl: Perfect off season <H1>climbing gear</H1> use
Perfect off season

climbing gear

Super fun problem at Focus :) Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news Super fun day moderately skinning and shredding with...
Super fun day moderately skinning and shredding with @katellev151515 and Moose near Breckenridge. #moderateshred #outdoorwomen #sheexplores #optoutside #ski (at Gold Hill Trailhead) Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news Sunset above the clouds.
With 2017 fast approaching, it’s time to talk about New Year’s resolutions. If you’ve made it to TrainingBeta then chances are improving at climbing is one of your priorities and you are probably thinking about kick starting 2017 with a […]
You read that title right: Stefano Ghisolfi not only sentGoldrake,a technical and burly 5.15 (9a+) located in Northern Italy, but he did so with an injured finger.
Oh, and it’s also worth mentioning that Adam Ondra (you know, the guy that casually sent the Dawn Wall in an 8-day push) made its first ascent in 2010; ensuring you that this route is certainly no gimme.
This week’s Friday Flick Pickpays homage to a climber tenacious enough tocomplete a monstrous sport climb, even while injured.And with holidays in full swing, what’s more heartwarming than indulging in an incredible performance of serious try hard … from the comforts of your cozy couch?

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Explore more Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news Stefan Glowacz on th
Stefan Glowacz on the Schluesselseillaenge of Erstbegehung, Behind the Rainbow. Klaus Fengler Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news Steam rises from the awaiting hot springs after 7.5 cold miles...
Steam rises from the awaiting hot springs after 7.5 cold miles of hiking and biking - worth it. Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news Standard view of #yosemitevalley but it’s wildly different...
Standard view of #yosemitevalley but it’s wildly different every time. Been digging through the film archives again for a little #NationalParks vistas project. Will share a few here. This was my second trip to #Yosemite, a


junket with @bouldermat42 where we literally had Camp 4 all to ourselves, climbed a few tiny rocks and got snowed in at Hans Florine’s cabin, eating ramen and reading Rock & Ice back issues until we procured some chains and got the hell out of there back to Tucson and warm rock. Got a few pictures though. Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news SSS_7105_resize
I am wondering if your sprinter van is a 144 or a 170 length model. I am at the beginning of my dream phase process thinking about buildouts and what I like and don’t like. wondering if you had a tough time making that choice or if there was a logical reasoning behind what length you got and what it may have been.
Hi Ross,
My Sprinter is a 170, and it was a tough decision on what length to go with…here are some quick stats to help you compare the space inside:
The Sprinter 144 wheelbase is 19.5 feet long bumper to bumper, with 10.5 feet of interior length from behind the driver’s seat to the back doors. Interior height for the low roof is 5’5″, and the high roof is 6’4″.
The Sprinter 170 wheelbase is 22 feet 10 inches bumper to bumper, with 14 feet of interior length, and it’s 6’4″ high inside because all the 170s are high roof.
My choice was hard because I’d rather drive a 144, but I’d rather live in a 170. Driving and parking are a lot easier with the 144, and you would definitely save on fuel economy if you went with the low roof–that would be the easiest and most economical van to drive. I decided to go with the 170 because almost all of my traveling is done with my boyfriend Ian and our dog Cajun. Ian is 6’3″ and Cajun somehow takes up more space in bed than both of us. That being said, I don’t have any issues driving the 170, but if you end up in a city, you will have to deal a little bit when parking it. You’ll also get away with a little less in rough road situations, but that’s why we got a dirtbike and a rack–honestly, this van is the most expensive vehicle I’ve ever owned and I’m really not inclined to bang around on really rough terrain with it. Also, I would hate to get it stuck somewhere. So even if we had a 144, I doubt I’d be getting too crazy on the offroading with the van. Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news Sprinter Van 144 vs 170 Length
My reasons for going with the 170 (although I really really wanted a 144!) were I wanted Ian to be able to stand up straight in the van (he just fits, even with the insulation and flooring), and also wanted to be able to have a queen size bed so we could get a small corner to sleep in once Cajun is all comfortably situated. Storage space was also a significant factor, because we travel with

climbing gear

(sport and traditional), BASE rigs, wingsuits, skydiving rigs, helmets, warm and cold weather clothes, a training tripod + hangboard and shoes/boots for all aforementioned activities. And then there’s extra food for Cajun, dog jackets and 15 tennis balls. So at a certain point in the decision process, I just threw my hands up and said “what the hell, let’s just go big or go home!” I’ve never had a van before, and I decided to go all the way and see how it would be. Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news Sprinter Van 144 vs 170 Length
If the van was just for me, or just for me and Cajun, or even for me, Cajun and someone a lot shorter than Ian, I most likely would have gone with the 144 with the high roof.
As it turns out, the 170 is great for the three of us, and it makes for a very comfortable living setup. I don’t regret it, though I often look at the van and think, “this thing is enormous!” Being a minimalist, it does kind of freak me out sometimes. But having the extra 3.5 feet allows us to have a large cooking/eating/living space and helps a lot for extended trips and rainy days when everyone’s inside. I’m used to small living spaces, and the interior layout is very roomy and spacious–I never feel crammed even with the 3 of us in there. In past vehicle situations, I’ve basically spent all my time sitting or lying in bed, and in this van it feels like being in a tiny European apartment where you can walk around and even be in different space zones. Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news Sprinter Van 144 vs 170 Length
Having the extra length also gives us a ton of storage space, which is important for multi-sport trips and makes it really easy to pack, rather than having to Tetris things in all the time.
Good luck with your decision!
Here is the draft of Climbers of 2016 List. Please comment and give opinions. As in previous years, the list is based on sport climbing with more credit for those doing FAs and all climbing disciplines. 1. Adam Ondra CZE 2. Janja Garnbret SLO 3. Ashima Shiraishi USA 4. Domen Skofic SLO 5. Alex Megos GER 6. Anak Verhoeven BEL 7. Nalle Hukkataival 8. Jain Kim 9. Jakob Schubert 10. Alex Puccio, Jernej Kruder, Jongwon Chon, Tomoa Narasaki, Sean McColl, Stefano Ghisolfi, Megan Mascarenas, Melissa Le Neve, James Webb, Alexey Rubtsov, Ramon Julian Puigblanque, Dave Graham, Daniel Woods, Laura Rogara, Jonathan Siegrist, Ryuichi Murai, Paul Robinson, Jan Hojer, Gabri Moroni, Shauna Coxsey, Seb Bouin, Chris Sharma, Karoline Sinnhuber, Isabelle Faus, Romain Desgranges, Dani Andrada, Margo Hayes, Edu Marin, Sebastian Halenke, Jessica Pilz, Kokoro Fujii, Petra Klingler, Piotr Schab, David Firnenburg, Christof Rauch, Katharina Saurwein, Martin Stranik, Miho Nonaka, Akiyo Noguchi, Gauthier Supper, Daniel Fuertes, Mathieu Bouyoud, Toshi Takeuchi, Michaela Kiersch, Carlo Traversi, Angela Eiter, Nina Caprez Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news Spa day for Christmas ? #JoyaSpa (at Omni Scottsdale Resort...
Spa day for Christmas Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news flow. <a href= Rock climbing and bouldering pictures and news der skifahrer über dem nebelmeer. <a href=
der skifahrer über dem nebelmeer.
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